The question you already know the answer to

How many times do you start a conversation with, “Morning, how are you?”

And how often do you get a “good thanks,” “fine thanks,” “not bad,” or “bit tired, but otherwise good?” 

You get a culturally appropriate, rehearsed response. It’s basically a bit of a non-question, isn’t it?

So what happens when you replace “How are you? with “Are you happy?”

If you’ve ever tried it, what happened? What answers did you get? 

If you haven’t tried it, would you be game to give it a go? 

When I first visited Cambodia, I volunteered in an aftercare centre for survivors of sex trafficking. The young women were aged between sixteen and twenty four years old. 

Each day I was greeted by a young woman named Ry who seized her opportunity to practise English with me, where the others didn't have the confidence. She greeted me each day, and asked if I was happy. 

At first, I was taken aback. Am I happy? 

I was used to being asked “how are you?” and answering with a standard approved answer. When Ry asked me if I was happy, I had to momentarily pause and actually consider my answer. Was I happy? 

It is a question essential to leadership.

It gives us a chance to be more truthful in conversation, to explore why you’re not happy if you’re not, or to be grateful if you are.

When Ry first asked me this question, I immediately thought I had nothing to not be happy about, rather than I had something to be happy about! These days, I answer with a focus on the positive rather than a lack of a negative. 

As time went by I realised many things about this question. 

It showed me Ry genuinely cared about my happiness, about how I was doing.

Ry was making sure I wanted to be there, that I was not there out of obligation. Many survivors of sex trafficking have been judged for what has happened to them. The Buddhist concept of karma means many people believe that these young women must have done something bad either in this life, or in a previous life, for this awful thing to happen to them. Ry didn’t want me there if being there caused me to be sad or upset. These women cared more genuinely about me, someone they’d known for less than three weeks, than I think we care about our colleagues and neighbours. 

Trial entering work in the morning and asking your team “are you happy?” instead of “how are you?” and begin to discover who is working with passion and purpose, and who is there out of obligation.

Imagine if your team knew you only wanted them there if they were truly happy to be there. 

Imagine if you had a team of people who were happy to be at work, at this particular job, consciously choosing this business or company to dedicate their time and talents to, working with purpose and passion, happily contributing. 

Who is giving only what they’re truly happy to give?

Are you happy?

Are you giving what you are truly happy to give?

Nicky Mih believes in our capacity to live and lead differently. Her book Do What Matters: what leading a child protection organisation in Cambodia taught me about life and leadership is an Amazon #1 best seller in the categories of Business Ethics and Business Leadership. Do What Matters is available on Amazon and freetoshine.org/dowhatmatters